That Moment When God Reveals Your Husband

   Being a woman we all for the most part want to be married. While walking with Christ we usually want God to reveal something about our future husband, if not flat out being told who he is. Well this summer God revealed mine to me. Thank God He takes our desires into consideration. He is truly a Father. I first want to share both my testimony of my relationship with "the one" and my experience when God revealed this to me.
   I met Aaron my sophomore year of high school through mutual friends. At that time I absolutely could not stand him. Today I realized my past had affected greatly why I was so mean to him. But boy did he have it hard whenever he tried to make conversation, joke, or work with me in class. I can't stress it enough that I could NOT stand him. Up to this very day, he has always been the comical-make everyone laugh type. Every time I saw him be a class clown at school, I always reminded myself of how I would never date a guy like that. Sophomore year dwindled on by and that was really about it.

                                                 (sophomore year..Aaron wasn't buff then lol)
   Junior year came and again Aaron decided to try to pursue me. I was not having that. Through the years I had experienced seeing my mother be in an abusive relationship; I just did not have time for a guy..only school. As the year went on and Aaron would not leave me alone, he actually began to wear on me bit by bit, but I denied it over and over. November of junior year I knew I did like him and right when I decided to give in, I found out that day Aaron had already been pursuing another girl. And not only pursuing but already her boyfriend. I was beyond mad and upset considering this dude had already kissed me like 3 times by this time lol. He didn't want to tell me and so we fell out for about two weeks. Over Thanksgiving break boy did I miss him but I'm a stubborn chick and was not going to talk to him. But that following Sunday he text me and everything was out the window lol. Christmas Day came and he asked me out, from that point love had been awakened.

                                                       (junior year..puppy love,puppy love)                                                          
   The puppy love months were amazing, as with any new couple but after a few months too much began to awaken and came to surface. Sexual immorality eased its way into our relationship and it was the worst thing that happened to our relationship. Aaron was my first everything..kiss, boyfriend, and sexual partner. Both of us were both each others first sexual partners so you can imagine the excitement of the flesh. It went from "messing around" to actually being involved with one another. Aaron had grown up in a Christian home, I hadn't so when this began to happen his conviction was sitting there waiting on him every single time and I just never could understand why he would always get so upset. This sexual immorality went from excitement, to being upset, to pregnancy scares, pregnancy tests, plan B, birth control pills..it was a never ending cycle, just starting over and over. We didn't want to do it anymore but just couldn't stop. We were slaves to this and it changed who we were, how we acted to one another, our relationship was a mess!

                              (Senior Year! He was more than just my lil football captain, he was my god!)
   My heart began to fill with unforgiveness towards Aaron. Everyone at school seen him as the "good Christian boy" but I knew otherwise. I began to resent him for introducing me to all of this. I blamed him for every single time we had been sexually active. How could the guy who loved me let me go to the store multiple times by myself to go buy condoms, pregnancy tests, Plan B? I despised him for being satisfied every time we did something when I didn't even want to do it. I never would tell him that but I assumed he should have knew. I regretted it all. Before him I had never even cared to be with a guy, and now look at me, I was completely attached. He was my god and I was completely fine with that.

                                                             (Departing for college..tear..)
   We went off to separate colleges and this was one of the roughest parts of our relationship. We didn't know when we were going to see one another and we argued all the time. I was all the way at UTK and he was at APSU. For the majority of the time I was certain we weren't going to last. I began to notice that when we did hang out together back at home he acted different. He barely held my hand, started talking about only dating in public (I now know he meant courting), he no longer sat next to me on the couch..I had no idea what was going on but I was willing to have sex with him if it meant he would remain mine. As the semester went on he began to talk about his new friends and an on-campus church, U Church, that he attended. I was so jealous of him because I was miserable at UT. I wanted what he had...BAD..so I made the decision to transfer to APSU my freshmen spring semester.
   I got introduced to all his friends and the first night I attended U Church, I cracked. I knew all the stuff I had been through, was going through, and doing I didn't want anymore. That very next day I gave my life to Christ. That's when everything began to make sense. Aaron had gave his life to Christ the semester before which was why he had been acting so "weird." I was still blind in my sin and couldn't understand what had happened to him. God began to work on me with so many things. One of the biggest things was being able to forgive Aaron. God helped me see that Aaron wasn't living for Christ at that time, he was just like me. I sat down and told Aaron everything that had hurt me and from that point God healed both of us. We were no longer ashamed.

                                                           (ALL SAVED ALL SERIOUS!!)
   So now we are caught up to this summer that just passed. Aaron and I both began to realize we needed to find out if God wanted us to be together. This was tough to think God could possibly separate us after all we have been through and as long as we have been together, very scary and emotional. But with advice from accountability partners and couples we continued to push through. Aaron called me one day and told me about his encounter with God, and told me we were meant to be together. Excitement rushed through me but so did doubt. What if that was just his emotions telling him that? But I knew God wouldn't send mixed signals, that was the enemy. Although I was excited I wanted an encounter for myself, directly from God. A few weeks went by and one night while spending alone time with God I was researching characteristics to look in for a partner and yourself for marriage/courting. I began to write in my journal to God about what I had researched, and then telling Him how I felt about Aaron and what I loved about him. In the midst of writing I stopped and just balled my eyes out. It wasn't because I was sad but at that moment I knew Aaron was the one (every time God speaks to me I cry a lot for some odd reason). I rejoiced and praised God for everything, for where me and Aaron started to where we are at now. It was only by the grace of God.
   This moment made me realize that God knows and takes the desires of our hearts into account. He isn't a dictator seeking only for Himself but that He really loves us and wants us to be happy while serving Him. I look at Aaron now and become speechless seeing where God has brought him. To know someone when they are in the dark and look at them following Jesus is a miracle. I thank God for letting this be the one I get to spend the rest of my life with. God has saved and cleansed us both and we now walk in purity; that is God and God alone. I sit and smile thinking how God is allowing us to do everything we did in sin correctly this time, to wait, remain pure until He is ready to make us one. We have a powerful story to encourage our future sons and daughters to wait for God to awaken love. It's kind of cool being able to know the guy who has been my first everything will be my first (and only) husband. Thank You Father.

This is Our Story ;)

Whats causing this pain??

Last week my left ovary began to hurt and I wasn't sure why. I knew it wasn't cramps because I had just had my cycle. At work I'm on my feet hours at a time and pushing carts (grocery store) and this set pain on both sides of my pelvis. I had no idea what was going on but I figured it had to do with my ovaries. Well a week went by and this Sunday this horrible pain shot through my rectal area..a stabbing back to back pain. I couldn't even move while it was happening! A bad cramping pain began to shoot downwards toward the vaginal area. Scarey right? Well Monday came and I decided to go to the ER. I got there at 10:30am and didn't leave until a little after 4pm. What happened during this unexpected visit? Injected with countless drugs, drinking medicine, blood and urine samples, KAT scan, body examination, no eating at all!!, almost near throwing up, dosing on and off, and sitting in a hospital bed the whole time. So what did all this turn out to be? The doctor found a cyst on my right ovary. This is very common for women, can be numerous sizes, and develop for different reasons. I was sent home drugged up and trying to keep from throwing up (mind you I still hadn't ate all day). I'm now on sleepy meds and will have to see an OBGYN Friday to determine if the cyst will need surgery to be removed. My biggest point of this is LADIES GET CHECKED OUT! I know girls who are my age and never have had a pep smear (however you pronounce it). Once you've started your cycle your are to get a yearly check up. These exams are very important. Living and thinking you are fine without a doctor is not smart. It could take years and no symptoms to suddenly one day find out you have cervical cancer or in my case a cyst. What you don't know can hurt you. I'm praying for everything to be fine Friday and will continue resting until then. That's all for this last minute post. :)

Book of Ephesians Study #1- Spiritual Blessings in Christ

After reading this and reading Ephesians 1:3-14 try answering these three questions:

• Who is God?
• What has He done for me?
• Why should I praise Him?

I'm going to break my interpretation of this passage down by verse, starting with verse three.
3. There is a God, our Father, and His son, the Lord Jesus Christ. Through Christ, who connects us to the Father, we are blessed with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places. We are foremost blessed because we have God and Christ, without them we are nothing; no blessing should or would come our way. It specifically says "EVERY spiritual blessing in the heavenly places." What's spiritual? Perhaps fruits of the Spirit, being blessed with all that is in God, things that are good because it is from God. The blessings come from a heavenly place meaning it's above where us humans are on earth, it is holy, it is good, it is majestic, it is pleasant, it is created and from God. So if God is willingly to give us such spiritual blessings that are beyond amazing then He has no problem giving us material blessings. God is a giver and gives the best and most high. 4.We are already chosen, placed in Christ before the world was even created, before Genesis was even written. Jesus came to earth over/about 2,000 years ago, so how long was the earth created which was way before Jesus came? God had already chose us by then. He not only chose us just to say "Hey I picked them out first," but chose us that we should be holy and blameless before Him. Holiness would make us sacred, different, and set apart from what isn't holy. Blameless-less blame, no blame, we aren't blamed or accused before Him. 5. In love, God why are You doing all these things for us humans? Humans aren't equivalent to Gods no matter what religion, legends, or belief you observe. So why is this God doing this, what makes Him different? He is doing this out of love. He loves us, He loves you, He loves me. He is a God of love. In love He predestined us to be adopted as sons through Jesus according to the purpose of His will. God already chose us and chose our destination- a plan for each of us- before us and this world were even created. Our plan was to be adopted through Jesus- if we are to be adopted that means we belong or used to belong to something or someone else. Something used to own us but God wanted us to belong to Him. God didn't just adopt right then and there, He used Jesus in order to get us. God doesn't add unnecessary routes and obstacles which must mean Jesus had a purpose, Jesus had to be used in order for adoption. Without Jesus we couldn't have been adopted. With this all, it says it is according to the purpose of His will, this was meant to happen! No accident! 6. To the praise of His glorious grace, this plan of God for us was to be praised, it would be praised because He was displaying His grace. His love was being put into action because He blessed us and could keep on blessing us in Christ. Thank You Jesus! 7. We know what caused Him to do it, because He is loving and gracious but why did He do it? Did we really need that, especially if we didn't ask? God did this so that in Christ we have redemption through His blood, Christ shedding His blood meant my bondage to slavery..to sin was broken. He paid the price with His love and holiness; absolutely perfect, no blemishes whatsoever. We also receive forgiveness of our sins. God forgives us for everything willingly because His perfect Son already died for an imperfect people. God knows we will sin because we are natural born sinners but through Jesus, He sees us as clean and blameless. This forgiveness NEVER runs out, He is a God of abundance. 8-9. Through wisdom and insight God made all of this, which once was a mystery, known to us; again according to His purpose. Only friends, people who are close, trusted, and loved are told secrets and mysteries. God shared this, the gospel with us, welcoming us not just as some pitiful, worthless humans but as friends. Through and in Christ we are embraced by God with open arms. 10. God has no ending but when I interpret the fullness of time, I see that God gives us time, earthly to us, where He will unite all things in Him; to Him. Everything will eventually be brought together to Him for His glory. 
11. God is in us and we are in Him, what's His is ours, what's our is His. God has given us an inheritance. We are His children so we inherit from Him that gives, which yet again is according to His purpose was predestined. God has given us so much before our creation, before the mystery was known. God has so much to offer and give. I truly see He is a God of love. Only love could cause this. This love on earth is a generic brand of the love He is. I can't imagine what it would be like to fully grasp it. He couldn't possibly just like us or love us, He is in love with us. It is literally the "so in love" type of love that He would die for us to have us, to have a relationship with us, to share with us and so much more. He is not like these other gods, that rule and punish if you don't do right. He is a God, the only God, that wants to love you, hold you, kiss you, comfort you, take care of you...it all comes back to loving you. He doesn't want to be a heartless ruler. He wants authority over you to keep you safe, give you guidance and freedom, and to protect you from the evil one. And when you do wrong He doesn't stand there with a belt ready to tear you apart. He tells us to ask for forgiveness and that's exactly what He does, forgives. He is certainly a friendlier and loving God than any other one I've heard about. I love Him for that. Thank You God. 12. Once again praising His glory is brought up. Look what He has done for an undeserving people. He deserves the praise, us believing and hoping in Christ is the beginning of us showing praise to His glory. 13. When you hear the word of truth, gospel of your salvation, and believe in Him, God promises the Holy Spirit. Wait you mean another promise?! He just keeps on giving and blessing. There's no reason to not ever rejoice, to ever feel without. In Christ we have it all! 14. The Holy Spirit is witness of God's existence, of salvation, of God living within us. He is the guarantee of our inheritance until we have possession of it. The Holy Spirit is within us while we are not yet fully with God. He's a part of that heaven while on earth. With Him there is certainty God is going to return and our inheritance is to be received. What an amazing God!

Unintentional Religious Ways

So as a Christian we always talk about wanting go grow more and more in Christ. To be more like Him and for any heart problems we have to be fixed. Well I have seen where I went wrong in attempting these things...which is I'M attempting them. Without realizing I was trying to fix these things, unintentionally being religious. I was trying to reach God. I realized if I want these changes and to be closer to my God, I've got to let Him do it. Everyday I would try to walk in the fruits of the Spirit,say I'm going to read my bible and pray. Before I knew it I was in my flesh being mad it someone, night arrived and I hadn't prayed or read that bible yet. I've been listening to sermons and the one right now that is bringing revelation to my life is Mark Driscoll's series of Ephesians. All I can say is wow. Things I have been praying for, such as to not be bitter and angry, have been decreasing by the power and grace of God. I'm seeing God through my whole day, realizing much of what I had been praying for was already answered. I would pray for God to help me serve people, be humble, accept humility, and little by little God would grab my attention and show me at that moment how I was doing these things. One day I cleaned the whole house by myself while my family sat in the living room the whole time. I didn't ask for help or even complain, I wanted the house to be clean so I did it. The Lord showed me that at that moment I was serving because I was cleaning for my family. I was being humbled because I wasn't seeking a thank you or recognition. I was walking in humility because what female wants to clean up a bathroom after all her brothers? Honestly, I was doing a job that I really shouldn't have been doing by myself because I wasn't even apart of the majority that made the mess. My mom works 8-10 hour shifts 5 days a week. Without asking or saying thank you my mother assumes I'm going to babysit my siblings the whole day. I literally am a second mom when I'm home from school. I cook, clean, give baths, keep the peace, discipline, etc. and it's only by the grace of God that I do such a thing even though a lot of times I never receive anything in return. God is changing my heart so much but some of these trials He is using to accomplish this goal aren't easy at all. By studying the book of Ephesians I'm learning who my God is. Without knowing God we will not grow, trials will knock us, satan will set the bait and we will take it every time. I'm seeing all the wonderful things God is doing on my behalf and for His glory so I'm going to share this journey with everyone as I study Ephesians. I pray this will encourage you, increase your faith in God, and that revelation of knowledge of God will be brought to your life. In Jesus's name. Amen.

Follow up on stopping Phentermine use

Well I had made the decision to stop Phentermine and had a doctor appointment to discuss it all this past Friday. There weren't many alternatives and I didn't want anything that was going to cause side effects again. So I'm doing it the old fashioned way and taking B12. Since its a vitamin I won't have to worry about side effects or anything. I'm taking this to increase my energy and metabolism. So far I'm back to my normal self and feel just fine. The doctor said my lost inches is due to toning and that my weight may not get low if my body is mainly muscle. I'm fine with not having a low weight, I prefer a smaller size. The only issue is the food choice in the house but I'll survivie. I'm going to try working out more that way my exercise is over doing the eating and I will continue to lose weight rather than maintain which is what I'm doing now. Once back at school I will actually have the decision to eat junk or healthy; so if I stay at 168 the rest of the summer I'm content with that knowing I can pick back up in August. I'm still going to at least workout to keep my body in shape. Basically just doing all I can. Also I finally got myself prescribed medicine for the crazy heartburn I've been having for years!..I just thought I through that in there lol

Goodbye Phentermine!!

Today I decided to stop taking Phentermine. I just couldn't do it any longer. It didn't give me energy the last few weeks I was taking it, it made me sluggish, moody, sooooo irritable to where I felt like crying or cursing right when something I didn't like happened or couldn't figure something out, gave me headaches from low to extreme just about everyday, bad jitters that if I didn't eat in a reasonable time (about every 3 hours) that caused me to lose focus while trying to figure out what to eat! The worst part was the increased heart rate. It was frightening and would even happen while I was watching tv. This caused me to have real short breaths as if the oxygen wasn't getting in. My body just did not like this medication so I informed my doctor and she ok'ed it to stop. I have another appointment Friday to discuss where my journey goes from here...oh and bad heartburn! I've always had heartburn when I eat spicy food, which I love, but now I even get heartburn when I eat yogurt or take aleve for headaches! It's ridiculous what can happen over a month. I am glad the insomnia was fixed earlier but this product is just not worth it to help me in my weight loss. I'm not sure if it's meant for people with more body fat that can hold it better or maybe the fact that I don't consume much caffeine. Either way it goes I'm not taking that anymore. I got blood work done last Friday to make sure my body's chemicals aren't imbalanced because if so this can affect the body not allowing it to lose weight. So hopefully I can find my results and start of with a new plan. I'm not giving up, just taking a new route. I'm still 168 right now and loving it. I'm like die hard obsessed with the toning in my legs, I literally touch them all day..so smooth lol :)

Weigh In 2 and 3

Ok so last Friday I forgot to post about my week with exercising, eating healthy, and all that good stuff. Well last week I ate mainly junk, only because that's what was in the house. When mom's money starts running low, we go from healthy to junk so I had to go with what was available. Knowing how the week was going to be with food I made sure to exercise. I exercised just about everyday, or at least 5 days..can't remember exactly. I also was taking one phentermine a day but taking half of it in the morning, and then the other half at noon, which didn't cause side affects at all. Well Friday came and I was at the same weight, 170. I was a tid bit upset because my biggest goal is just to get the heck out of the 170s! But I took it for what it was and still reminded myself to congratulate and encourage my mom who lost weight that week. Doing that actually made me feel better.
  So the second week I would also have to eat junk so I decided to work out twice a day. I only did that once on Monday due to the fact mother nature decided to visit and when that happens my body just changes in so many ways. My energy is low, horrible cramps, headaches, gain 5 pounds in water weight, cravings, always hungry. You get the idea but I did still work out everyday once. I went back to taking phentermine whole in the morning and my body responded well, no side effects, except at the end of the week I got headaches so today I only took half. The medicine doesn't really mess with appetite or energry but that could be do to the unhealthy stuff I'm eating right now. Anyhow Friday morning, still on cycle, and I didn't expect any loss but surprisingly I was 168! Thank God! I haven't seen the 160s since 8th grade so it was very exciting.
  Another thing I'm learning is to not only focus on the scale. During my workouts I noticed that one of them I no longer breathed as hard or got tired as quickly like I did when I first started it. It was a great feeling and accomplishment because regardless of the scale I know I'm doing good for my body. My heart is getting stronger and endurance is getting better. I noticed increase muscle in my arms and my legs feel toned. I took my measurements about a month ago: Chest 37in, Bicep 12 1/2in, Waist 39.5, Hips 44in. Now my measurements are: Chest 35 1/2in, Bicep 12 1/2in, Waist 36in, Hips 43 1/2. So overall I'm really excited about how my progress is going and I'm still enjoying working out, surprisingly lol. I'm learning to not be so focused on the scale but let my body speak for itself. Shout out to Richard Simmons by the way! :)

First Weigh In! (6/22/12)

It's been a week since I've begun (correctly and properly) my journey to being a healthier me. I've worked out everyday for at least 30 minutes, ate correctly as far as eating healthy and when I did eat junk it was in correct portions. I've been enjoying this time around because I actually did workouts that were fun and ate foods that were good and didn't feel hungry, when I did feel hungry I ate. So I would have to say this week has been a great one besides that dumb medication. Since I haven't returned to work yet, which I've decided to give in and go back to Publix, I have mainly been in the house and that is always not fun. Anyhow last week I weighed at 175lbs, if not a bit more, and this morning when I got on the scale it read..drum roll please..170.8! I was shocked and it took a minute for it to sink in but once it did I was so happy. After my weigh-in I worked out and put so much effort into it thinking I was now 5lbs lighter. My mom is also doing this with me and she lost 4lbs! We were both extra bouncy today lol. For this coming up week all I want to do is say goodbye to the 170's. I've been stuck in this range for years and just assumed this is where my body wanted to be. But I'm determined to move pass them and never return. So regardless if it's a pound or five, I will be ecstatic and possibly cry. I haven't seen a 160 since the 8th grade. I'm motivated to keep going and push myself further than I ever have. I'm taking small steps with small goals that will add up to big goals. I would love to hear and connect with others who are doing this or have been through this to exchange ideas. Enjoy the ride!

Oooohhhh Phentermine How I Hate You

Ok so I discussed previously how the doctor prescribed me Phentermine (6/15/12) to aid me in my weight loss. It basically gives you energy to stay motivated and then curbs your appetite to deny the junk food and be able to concentrate on eating smaller and healthier. It has to be done with healthy eating and exercise in order to keep the weight off or either all the weight will be gained back once you discontinue the pill. Well the worse apart about it is the possible side effects.

                The first two days I took this I was perfectly fine but I noticed I was barely sleeping but no big deal I was fine. Sunday came and after church my mouth became really dry and I felt as though I had to gag. On the ride home I was nauseas and when I got home the smell of food, even my deodorant made me want to throw up. I kept drinking water and took tums and I was fine. The next few days were miserable. Insomnia kicked in, I literally was only sleeping about 4-5 hours and was still going through my days as if I was sleeping like normal. Internally I felt energized but I knew physically I was done. I didn’t feel energized at all, more sluggish and didn’t want to do anything. At times I had to force myself to eat and the feeling of wanting to throw up when looking at food was still continuing. I could be barely doing anything and out of nowhere my heart would begin to pound hard and fast, it was scary. I couldn’t take it anymore this was not worth it at all!

                I called the doctor on about the sixth day of taking this and she said that just about all patients were experiencing insomnia and other side effects as well. She informed me that I could take just half the pill or take one half in the morning and the other at noon. So right now I’m taking just one half in the morning and I feel back to normal. I sleep my regular 7-8 hours, eat, exercise and all without the headaches and hard/quick beating of the heart. I will try taking a half in the morning and the other in noon to see how I feel but if the side effects come back I will only do one half. I’ve heard great success stories about people taking this medication but in my opinion it is not worth the crazy side effects that come with it. I don’t drink coffee or anything so to take in a substance giving off tons of energy, my body couldn’t take it. I’m doing alright now and will have checkup with my doctor in July to see how my progress is. As of now I feel fine but if anything worse comes back I will discontinue the medication and do it the old fashion way.

Nineteen Years Later, Finally Celebrating Father's Day

As we all know Father’s Day just recently passed and this was my first year celebrating this holiday at the age of 19. My mother and father met in California and had my oldest brother then three years later I came along. By the time I turned two, my mom and father had already separated. My mother no longer wanted to be in a relationship with a balling drug dealer because what comes with that is the usual “cars, clothes, money, and you know the rest..” She experienced a few domestic troubles with my dad and just decided to leave regardless of the nice lifestyle she was giving up for not only herself but her children as well. So without any words exchanged with my dad she took me and my brother and we moved to Tennessee with my grandparents. From there I visited my dad once at age 6 and I’ve never seen him again. He would call once every 5 or 6 years, it was very random, make broken promises, and then the routine started over. So basically my relationship with my father wasn’t even rocky, it just wasn’t there. Growing up I liked when my family told me about him, and when my mom would make me angry or life was rough, I would always imagine would it be like if I were with him instead. I was his only daughter; I just knew it would be better than half the stuff I dealt with in Tennessee. But if that was the case he would’ve been in my life.

                I had father figures in my life, my grandpa and my uncle. They were probably the reason I never cared about the relationship with my father. But eventually it came to an end. My sophomore year of high school I lost my uncle to Pancreatic Cancer and the next year my grandpa died from the exact same cancer. Before those deaths I had never dealt with that before, I was crushed but without knowing it God got me through it all. Once they passed I started to think well who’s going to be my father figure now?, who’s going to make sure I make the right decisions, who’s going to walk me down the aisle on that special day?! I went on through life as if fathers didn’t exist; I was moving through life reaching for my goals and dreams, heck clearly I didn’t need one. But this Father’s Day, 2012, a change came from the pass 18 years.

                That morning I went to church and the pastor talked about the father figure God displays for his men to follow, towards his children to receive, and how to be a part of God’s family. Pastor asked the church different memories they had with their fathers; of course I didn’t speak on that. He made one comment that stuck with me the whole day, “The first date a daughter goes on is with her father.” I thought about how I never knew what that felt like, what that meant, and how important that was for a girl. All I knew was my first date was with my first boyfriend on the same day my family laid my grandpa to rest, I horribly tried to make out for the first time, and because of all the crying earlier that gave me a headache at the funeral I fell asleep on my date at the movies. That was nothing near what the pastor was talking about (I actually laugh at it every time I think about it lol). Back to the story now..well that night I experienced the most powerful, tearful, emotional Father’s Day. Now before you get all excited and rejoice over me spending time with my father and this new chapter to begin, it wasn’t my biological father.

                At about 9pm I went and locked myself in my brother’s room to do my devotional and prayer time peacefully and from there absolute bliss happened. I began to pray for people, myself, circumstances, etc. and usually I write in my journal to talk to God, but this time I just said it out loud. God showed up, touched my heart, and within a second I was overwhelmed and crying. A few tears had sadness to them about what not having a father did to me emotionally that I didn’t know was there. But the majority of the tears were of joy. God let me know He was my father, didn’t matter if I had an earthly one, He was going to be here forever and everything I missed out on He had already filled and would show it all to me the closer I grew in Him. Since being saved, I’ve known what God has done for me but never really grasped to what extent and how powerful His love is for me. I began to think of all the times God had kept me, was there for me, and I didn’t even know it. When I tried to commit suicide, indulged in sexual sin, was torn from loved ones, God kept me. When I should’ve broken, turned to drugs to forget the bad, sold myself to men or pornography to fill what was missing..all these things that could’ve happened but didn’t because God kept me. During this time I was given a very vivid, detailed scene of what happened on the cross, I just cried more and more. I was so overwhelmed but overjoyed that I was loved to the point of blood shed so save my soul. I began to smile more and more as I talked to God about how when it came time to create His daughter Jasmine with His own hands through His very own perfect image, He did it with accuracy and precision. He knows that my favorite color is purple, that I can’t stand when people smack while eating, what makes me laugh, my favorite food is potatoes, that  some days I don’t feel pretty, He knows everything about me, things even some of the best earthly fathers don’t know about their children. God knows it all and is appreciative of it all; all of it will point me to Him. I just thanked Him over and over that all these years I went without a father, I was a priority to Him. He was going to teach me everything I needed to know, let me know when He approved the right guy, advise me on decisions, comfort, protect, provide and so much more for me. I don’t ever have to worry about Him leaving my side.

  The best part is that my favorite chapter in the Bible is Romans 8 and when I turned to see the readings for the day in my devotional, there it was “read Romans 8.” I smiled thinking how I just said all these things about Him knowing everything, and then He leads me to my favorite chapter to show me that it’s all true. That night some major growth happened, my heart became softer, our relationship deepened and even the next day I was still emotional about it. Maybe one day God will reconcile me and my earthly father but I’m not rushing it. I’ve found my true identity, I belong to someone, I have more than a father. I have a Dad.

Making a Change

“You are prehypertension and if you continue to gain weight or an unhealthy lifestyle you are at the risk of diabetes.” June 14, 2012 was my first time ever going to a doctor to see about my weight. Of course I’ve always known I was overweight..well that’s sugarcoating it a bit..more like obese.  But I’ve never really known from a professional’s perspective where my health was, so after years of living in the unknown I decided to go get checked out.

[How this all started..The Past] As far as I can remember I’ve always been a big girl, usually the one bigger than the majority of my friends. I have a very big family, single mother household, so we were just getting by and what could be afforded was what we ate, healthy or not. The food selection growing up was poor and no one in my house cared about being healthy. Life moved on and the noodles and hot dogs came also, with lots of pounds. My first time I tried to lose weight I was in the 8^th grade, weighing in at 160lbs and that following summer I began eating less, healthier, and started working out. I purchased “The Diet for Teenage Girls Only,” which I still use today, which I lost weight with but eventually gained it all back and plus some. Through high school I would always start up working out by using the book I bought, fitness magazines I got in the mail, buying workout tapes, etc. I would always lose some but eventually get tired of it and quit. I figured if I love myself then why waste my time? Losing weight became a pattern when I felt insecure, then when it got tough after a few weeks, becoming unmotivated, no support, I dropped it. 

My senior year in high school is when things switched up some. I was at peak weight, 188lbs, that December I signed up for a gym membership and worked with a trainer and a diet plan. It really was something different and I just knew this was the last time I was going to deal with being obese..not quite. I was working so the majority of my checks went to healthy food. I began doing slim fast, drinking it for breakfast, then lunch at school with veggies and fruit. Boy was that the hardest damn thing of my life, sitting there trying to eat raw food while everyone else ate cheesy fries, pizza, and wings but I didn’t give up. I also began using some tools from weight watchers to help me portion food and not over eat, this was helpful but I got tired of looking up food. Through this whole process I lost 14lbs. Many people noticed but because we are the worst critics of ourselves, I didn’t. Once senior year ended I gave up again and promised myself I would get back started in college. I did start back up, worked with another trainer, but it just didn’t last. I eventually gave up because it seemed like getting pass 174lbs was impossible. I was stuck there for the longest and that’s where I am now. I’ve tried every excuse as to why this number won’t change..everyone isn’t meant to be small, my metabolism is slow, my body type is preventing me to lose more weight, I can’t help it..blah blah blah. Now I know some things we can’t help with our bodies but there isn’t an excuse why we can’t be healthy.

[The Present] So now where am I now? Like I mentioned earlier I did at least keep the 14lbs I lost off, which I am proud of and gives me hope to know that I can continue but it isn’t enough.  I’m currently 174lbs at 5’3, and a BMI of 31.8..yikes!, which is obese for my height and high blood pressure and such already runs in my family, I do not want to die because of lack of a healthy lifestyle. My doctor visit really opened my eyes to what I need to be doing. Considering the fact that I’m obese and for years have been trying to lose weight but always get stuck my doctor also put me on a prescription called Phentermine. At first I thought this lady was trying to put me on that crap where it does all the work but she explained it to me and I went home and did my research, before taking it, just to make sure it was legit. This drug is basically for obese people that may have issues losing weight. It will boost the energy in the body and suppress the appetite to stop the overeating and cravings that obese people usually struggle with even when they are eating correctly and exercising. It’s only used for a short time and as of now I’m on it for a month and it must be used with healthy eating and exercising because it’s not for temporary weight loss. From all my research it really does work and assisted people in real life changes for living a healthy lifestyle and they kept all the weight off after stopping the medication. Depending on how heavy the weight is some people lost a lot of weight in a short amount of time. I’m ok with that BUT I want to be able to really learn to make eating right and exercising a part of my everyday life. I just started taking this medication and haven’t had any crazy side effects so as of now that’s something added to my prayer list while taking it.

The biggest thing I’m learning is patience. I’m the type that starts off really hard, while most girls are doing cardio, I’m lifting weights and getting headaches. I’ve realized that I’ve got to start from scratch and let this really be life changing not temporary.  I’m going to start off slow, actually learn, and change. I’m learning that this does not have to be a stressful, starving, or a discouraging thing. It really can be fun, the eating and exercising. If the journey feels like a burden then why wouldn’t it get dropped? Quick results might sound nice but burnout comes before that even happens , and guess what? You have already quit by then so it’s important to make sure this is a fun experience. We will always have our lazy and low days but as a whole this can be a new addition and good habit for a long life. I’ve dropped the running and hard workouts and I’m now doing brisk walking and Richard Simmons tapes, which will have you laughing the whole time but you’re still working out! As far as eating, I’ve always loved the healthy foods more so that part is easy but I’m remembering that it’s still ok to eat the junk just correct portions.  Also I keep a food journal to see what my eating looks like because I know I am a mindless eater but a food journal trains to be aware of what’s going into the body. This so far is what works for me. I’m no longer messing with those diets..that’s from the devil lol.

 I’m learning to love me. I don’t just flat out hate myself but like most girls I have those handful of things I don’t like about myself. I’m focusing on God to help me get through those problems during this journey. I’m also speaking up about what I’m doing and where I’m trying to go with this. I’ve never had support and when I thought about it, I’ve never asked. So I asked my mom to be a part of my support system and she is down to roll *tear.* I’m excited this time about this journey and this time for sure I will not give up. The pattern has been broken.

[The Future..where do I see myself?] My goal is to lose about 30-35lbs. I think 140lbs or 145lbs would be realistic and healthy for my weight and height. I do not want to be a skinny minny. I do love having the fullness and curves of woman. If I lose that I will be highly upset. I just want to feel comfortable in my own skin, like the way my clothes fit, and most of all be healthy. I want to be able to not hold back on things I enjoy just because of my size. My goal is to take care of, love, and appreciate this temple God has blessed me with; it’s the least I could do to show my thanksgiving to Him.

Introduction

Ayyye Doe! I’m Jasmine. Born in Fontana, California (don’t know where that is) and raised in Nashville, Tennessee. I’m a child of G-O-D as of January 23, 2012! I absolutely love to write, it’s the number one way I find peace, even when talking to my Father, I write. So I decided to try blogging..this is going to be very casual and laid back writing btw. We’ve all got many paths that add up to one journey of life and I’ve decided to share mine. Expect ups and downs of my path to being healthy and fit, my growth in Christ, and whatever else comes to mind. ;) P.S. I don’t use internet much but still write using Word, so if one day you see 5 blogs posted in one day it’s not because I just like rambling or bored..maybe.