Nineteen Years Later, Finally Celebrating Father's Day

As we all know Father’s Day just recently passed and this was my first year celebrating this holiday at the age of 19. My mother and father met in California and had my oldest brother then three years later I came along. By the time I turned two, my mom and father had already separated. My mother no longer wanted to be in a relationship with a balling drug dealer because what comes with that is the usual “cars, clothes, money, and you know the rest..” She experienced a few domestic troubles with my dad and just decided to leave regardless of the nice lifestyle she was giving up for not only herself but her children as well. So without any words exchanged with my dad she took me and my brother and we moved to Tennessee with my grandparents. From there I visited my dad once at age 6 and I’ve never seen him again. He would call once every 5 or 6 years, it was very random, make broken promises, and then the routine started over. So basically my relationship with my father wasn’t even rocky, it just wasn’t there. Growing up I liked when my family told me about him, and when my mom would make me angry or life was rough, I would always imagine would it be like if I were with him instead. I was his only daughter; I just knew it would be better than half the stuff I dealt with in Tennessee. But if that was the case he would’ve been in my life.

                I had father figures in my life, my grandpa and my uncle. They were probably the reason I never cared about the relationship with my father. But eventually it came to an end. My sophomore year of high school I lost my uncle to Pancreatic Cancer and the next year my grandpa died from the exact same cancer. Before those deaths I had never dealt with that before, I was crushed but without knowing it God got me through it all. Once they passed I started to think well who’s going to be my father figure now?, who’s going to make sure I make the right decisions, who’s going to walk me down the aisle on that special day?! I went on through life as if fathers didn’t exist; I was moving through life reaching for my goals and dreams, heck clearly I didn’t need one. But this Father’s Day, 2012, a change came from the pass 18 years.

                That morning I went to church and the pastor talked about the father figure God displays for his men to follow, towards his children to receive, and how to be a part of God’s family. Pastor asked the church different memories they had with their fathers; of course I didn’t speak on that. He made one comment that stuck with me the whole day, “The first date a daughter goes on is with her father.” I thought about how I never knew what that felt like, what that meant, and how important that was for a girl. All I knew was my first date was with my first boyfriend on the same day my family laid my grandpa to rest, I horribly tried to make out for the first time, and because of all the crying earlier that gave me a headache at the funeral I fell asleep on my date at the movies. That was nothing near what the pastor was talking about (I actually laugh at it every time I think about it lol). Back to the story now..well that night I experienced the most powerful, tearful, emotional Father’s Day. Now before you get all excited and rejoice over me spending time with my father and this new chapter to begin, it wasn’t my biological father.

                At about 9pm I went and locked myself in my brother’s room to do my devotional and prayer time peacefully and from there absolute bliss happened. I began to pray for people, myself, circumstances, etc. and usually I write in my journal to talk to God, but this time I just said it out loud. God showed up, touched my heart, and within a second I was overwhelmed and crying. A few tears had sadness to them about what not having a father did to me emotionally that I didn’t know was there. But the majority of the tears were of joy. God let me know He was my father, didn’t matter if I had an earthly one, He was going to be here forever and everything I missed out on He had already filled and would show it all to me the closer I grew in Him. Since being saved, I’ve known what God has done for me but never really grasped to what extent and how powerful His love is for me. I began to think of all the times God had kept me, was there for me, and I didn’t even know it. When I tried to commit suicide, indulged in sexual sin, was torn from loved ones, God kept me. When I should’ve broken, turned to drugs to forget the bad, sold myself to men or pornography to fill what was missing..all these things that could’ve happened but didn’t because God kept me. During this time I was given a very vivid, detailed scene of what happened on the cross, I just cried more and more. I was so overwhelmed but overjoyed that I was loved to the point of blood shed so save my soul. I began to smile more and more as I talked to God about how when it came time to create His daughter Jasmine with His own hands through His very own perfect image, He did it with accuracy and precision. He knows that my favorite color is purple, that I can’t stand when people smack while eating, what makes me laugh, my favorite food is potatoes, that  some days I don’t feel pretty, He knows everything about me, things even some of the best earthly fathers don’t know about their children. God knows it all and is appreciative of it all; all of it will point me to Him. I just thanked Him over and over that all these years I went without a father, I was a priority to Him. He was going to teach me everything I needed to know, let me know when He approved the right guy, advise me on decisions, comfort, protect, provide and so much more for me. I don’t ever have to worry about Him leaving my side.

  The best part is that my favorite chapter in the Bible is Romans 8 and when I turned to see the readings for the day in my devotional, there it was “read Romans 8.” I smiled thinking how I just said all these things about Him knowing everything, and then He leads me to my favorite chapter to show me that it’s all true. That night some major growth happened, my heart became softer, our relationship deepened and even the next day I was still emotional about it. Maybe one day God will reconcile me and my earthly father but I’m not rushing it. I’ve found my true identity, I belong to someone, I have more than a father. I have a Dad.