No Words Can Explain..

   Right now my heart is burdened.. heavy. Just trying to write about it is going to send me into another crying spell. I said I would restart this blog I had no idea that this post would be the one to motivate me to write. Before you freak out no I'm not pregnant. However, I will admit a secret of mine..I'm engaged at the age of 20, still a year left of college and I have the fear of becoming pregnant while still in school once I'm married this May. Do I want kids? By all means, a whole bunch matter of fact. Do I want them soon? No. Not really. Well once I'm out of school I'm fair game to start a family. What I'm trying to say is that basically I'm a control freak. My social life, my freedom, my little amount of stress, my body, and everything else I can think of would be inconvenienced. I don't want to experience what I see the girls on campus going through, having to attend an 8am class while looking tired and ready to pop. They worry about if their pregnancy will interfere with mid-terms and finals. I don't want to be one of those girls. I want the freedom to lay around all day, surf the web and stores for baby stuff, and have way more money then I do now as a college student. My life would be inconvenienced. Selfish I know but little by little the Lord has been showing me how to trust Him in this area. He has spoken to me about it and I'm not 100% trustworthy yet but I'm getting there.
   My heart is not heavy because of my fears. My heart is heavy because my fear was just proven to be pointless. Less than an hour ago I watched a documentary called It's A Girl. It focuses on gendercide and interviews different women and families in India and China that have experienced this in some way either by killing or someone else killing their baby girl(s). I won't go in complete detail because I'd rather you experience this movie on your own (it's on Netflix) but it has changed my way of thinking and reflecting just a glimpse of how ignorant many Americans are to how truly blessed we are. I'm not saying my fears of pregnancy in school aren't valid. How I feel is how I feel but what I am saying is that what I fear is not nearly comparable to what these women fear. Mothers killing their own daughters because of a distorted way of thinking that a girl is a thief and burden to the financial well-being of her family is so much more than me having to sacrifice a body that feels well while going to class. Women who actually want their daughters being dragged out of their homes to go get a forced abortion regardless of how far she is in her pregnancy...I can't help but to weep. Here's the difference, if my life is "inconvenienced" I know for sure that if I have a baby girl she is mine. No one will take her from me no matter what and if someone does justice will be served. But in India and China women are stressed out from having to hide from the government and fight against a husband that wants an abortion. Regardless if she reports the situation there is a high chance it will not be investigated. By the grace of God I'm marrying a man that supports anything I do. I can't imagine living in such a place where abortion is forced. The pictures and clips I've just viewed are forever engraved in me head and they bring me to tears each time I think about it. Why did God choose to place me here in a place like America where I have so much freedom? Freedom to have as many kids as I want when I want. Here we are in America fighting whether or not abortion should be allowed. While abortion is not an option across seas but a decision already made for a child not yet conceived.
    Well bloggers I'm back.

That Moment When God Reveals Your Husband

   Being a woman we all for the most part want to be married. While walking with Christ we usually want God to reveal something about our future husband, if not flat out being told who he is. Well this summer God revealed mine to me. Thank God He takes our desires into consideration. He is truly a Father. I first want to share both my testimony of my relationship with "the one" and my experience when God revealed this to me.
   I met Aaron my sophomore year of high school through mutual friends. At that time I absolutely could not stand him. Today I realized my past had affected greatly why I was so mean to him. But boy did he have it hard whenever he tried to make conversation, joke, or work with me in class. I can't stress it enough that I could NOT stand him. Up to this very day, he has always been the comical-make everyone laugh type. Every time I saw him be a class clown at school, I always reminded myself of how I would never date a guy like that. Sophomore year dwindled on by and that was really about it.

                                                 (sophomore year..Aaron wasn't buff then lol)
   Junior year came and again Aaron decided to try to pursue me. I was not having that. Through the years I had experienced seeing my mother be in an abusive relationship; I just did not have time for a guy..only school. As the year went on and Aaron would not leave me alone, he actually began to wear on me bit by bit, but I denied it over and over. November of junior year I knew I did like him and right when I decided to give in, I found out that day Aaron had already been pursuing another girl. And not only pursuing but already her boyfriend. I was beyond mad and upset considering this dude had already kissed me like 3 times by this time lol. He didn't want to tell me and so we fell out for about two weeks. Over Thanksgiving break boy did I miss him but I'm a stubborn chick and was not going to talk to him. But that following Sunday he text me and everything was out the window lol. Christmas Day came and he asked me out, from that point love had been awakened.

                                                       (junior year..puppy love,puppy love)                                                          
   The puppy love months were amazing, as with any new couple but after a few months too much began to awaken and came to surface. Sexual immorality eased its way into our relationship and it was the worst thing that happened to our relationship. Aaron was my first everything..kiss, boyfriend, and sexual partner. Both of us were both each others first sexual partners so you can imagine the excitement of the flesh. It went from "messing around" to actually being involved with one another. Aaron had grown up in a Christian home, I hadn't so when this began to happen his conviction was sitting there waiting on him every single time and I just never could understand why he would always get so upset. This sexual immorality went from excitement, to being upset, to pregnancy scares, pregnancy tests, plan B, birth control pills..it was a never ending cycle, just starting over and over. We didn't want to do it anymore but just couldn't stop. We were slaves to this and it changed who we were, how we acted to one another, our relationship was a mess!

                              (Senior Year! He was more than just my lil football captain, he was my god!)
   My heart began to fill with unforgiveness towards Aaron. Everyone at school seen him as the "good Christian boy" but I knew otherwise. I began to resent him for introducing me to all of this. I blamed him for every single time we had been sexually active. How could the guy who loved me let me go to the store multiple times by myself to go buy condoms, pregnancy tests, Plan B? I despised him for being satisfied every time we did something when I didn't even want to do it. I never would tell him that but I assumed he should have knew. I regretted it all. Before him I had never even cared to be with a guy, and now look at me, I was completely attached. He was my god and I was completely fine with that.

                                                             (Departing for college..tear..)
   We went off to separate colleges and this was one of the roughest parts of our relationship. We didn't know when we were going to see one another and we argued all the time. I was all the way at UTK and he was at APSU. For the majority of the time I was certain we weren't going to last. I began to notice that when we did hang out together back at home he acted different. He barely held my hand, started talking about only dating in public (I now know he meant courting), he no longer sat next to me on the couch..I had no idea what was going on but I was willing to have sex with him if it meant he would remain mine. As the semester went on he began to talk about his new friends and an on-campus church, U Church, that he attended. I was so jealous of him because I was miserable at UT. I wanted what he had...BAD..so I made the decision to transfer to APSU my freshmen spring semester.
   I got introduced to all his friends and the first night I attended U Church, I cracked. I knew all the stuff I had been through, was going through, and doing I didn't want anymore. That very next day I gave my life to Christ. That's when everything began to make sense. Aaron had gave his life to Christ the semester before which was why he had been acting so "weird." I was still blind in my sin and couldn't understand what had happened to him. God began to work on me with so many things. One of the biggest things was being able to forgive Aaron. God helped me see that Aaron wasn't living for Christ at that time, he was just like me. I sat down and told Aaron everything that had hurt me and from that point God healed both of us. We were no longer ashamed.

                                                           (ALL SAVED ALL SERIOUS!!)
   So now we are caught up to this summer that just passed. Aaron and I both began to realize we needed to find out if God wanted us to be together. This was tough to think God could possibly separate us after all we have been through and as long as we have been together, very scary and emotional. But with advice from accountability partners and couples we continued to push through. Aaron called me one day and told me about his encounter with God, and told me we were meant to be together. Excitement rushed through me but so did doubt. What if that was just his emotions telling him that? But I knew God wouldn't send mixed signals, that was the enemy. Although I was excited I wanted an encounter for myself, directly from God. A few weeks went by and one night while spending alone time with God I was researching characteristics to look in for a partner and yourself for marriage/courting. I began to write in my journal to God about what I had researched, and then telling Him how I felt about Aaron and what I loved about him. In the midst of writing I stopped and just balled my eyes out. It wasn't because I was sad but at that moment I knew Aaron was the one (every time God speaks to me I cry a lot for some odd reason). I rejoiced and praised God for everything, for where me and Aaron started to where we are at now. It was only by the grace of God.
   This moment made me realize that God knows and takes the desires of our hearts into account. He isn't a dictator seeking only for Himself but that He really loves us and wants us to be happy while serving Him. I look at Aaron now and become speechless seeing where God has brought him. To know someone when they are in the dark and look at them following Jesus is a miracle. I thank God for letting this be the one I get to spend the rest of my life with. God has saved and cleansed us both and we now walk in purity; that is God and God alone. I sit and smile thinking how God is allowing us to do everything we did in sin correctly this time, to wait, remain pure until He is ready to make us one. We have a powerful story to encourage our future sons and daughters to wait for God to awaken love. It's kind of cool being able to know the guy who has been my first everything will be my first (and only) husband. Thank You Father.

This is Our Story ;)

Whats causing this pain??

Last week my left ovary began to hurt and I wasn't sure why. I knew it wasn't cramps because I had just had my cycle. At work I'm on my feet hours at a time and pushing carts (grocery store) and this set pain on both sides of my pelvis. I had no idea what was going on but I figured it had to do with my ovaries. Well a week went by and this Sunday this horrible pain shot through my rectal area..a stabbing back to back pain. I couldn't even move while it was happening! A bad cramping pain began to shoot downwards toward the vaginal area. Scarey right? Well Monday came and I decided to go to the ER. I got there at 10:30am and didn't leave until a little after 4pm. What happened during this unexpected visit? Injected with countless drugs, drinking medicine, blood and urine samples, KAT scan, body examination, no eating at all!!, almost near throwing up, dosing on and off, and sitting in a hospital bed the whole time. So what did all this turn out to be? The doctor found a cyst on my right ovary. This is very common for women, can be numerous sizes, and develop for different reasons. I was sent home drugged up and trying to keep from throwing up (mind you I still hadn't ate all day). I'm now on sleepy meds and will have to see an OBGYN Friday to determine if the cyst will need surgery to be removed. My biggest point of this is LADIES GET CHECKED OUT! I know girls who are my age and never have had a pep smear (however you pronounce it). Once you've started your cycle your are to get a yearly check up. These exams are very important. Living and thinking you are fine without a doctor is not smart. It could take years and no symptoms to suddenly one day find out you have cervical cancer or in my case a cyst. What you don't know can hurt you. I'm praying for everything to be fine Friday and will continue resting until then. That's all for this last minute post. :)

Book of Ephesians Study #1- Spiritual Blessings in Christ

After reading this and reading Ephesians 1:3-14 try answering these three questions:

• Who is God?
• What has He done for me?
• Why should I praise Him?

I'm going to break my interpretation of this passage down by verse, starting with verse three.
3. There is a God, our Father, and His son, the Lord Jesus Christ. Through Christ, who connects us to the Father, we are blessed with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places. We are foremost blessed because we have God and Christ, without them we are nothing; no blessing should or would come our way. It specifically says "EVERY spiritual blessing in the heavenly places." What's spiritual? Perhaps fruits of the Spirit, being blessed with all that is in God, things that are good because it is from God. The blessings come from a heavenly place meaning it's above where us humans are on earth, it is holy, it is good, it is majestic, it is pleasant, it is created and from God. So if God is willingly to give us such spiritual blessings that are beyond amazing then He has no problem giving us material blessings. God is a giver and gives the best and most high. 4.We are already chosen, placed in Christ before the world was even created, before Genesis was even written. Jesus came to earth over/about 2,000 years ago, so how long was the earth created which was way before Jesus came? God had already chose us by then. He not only chose us just to say "Hey I picked them out first," but chose us that we should be holy and blameless before Him. Holiness would make us sacred, different, and set apart from what isn't holy. Blameless-less blame, no blame, we aren't blamed or accused before Him. 5. In love, God why are You doing all these things for us humans? Humans aren't equivalent to Gods no matter what religion, legends, or belief you observe. So why is this God doing this, what makes Him different? He is doing this out of love. He loves us, He loves you, He loves me. He is a God of love. In love He predestined us to be adopted as sons through Jesus according to the purpose of His will. God already chose us and chose our destination- a plan for each of us- before us and this world were even created. Our plan was to be adopted through Jesus- if we are to be adopted that means we belong or used to belong to something or someone else. Something used to own us but God wanted us to belong to Him. God didn't just adopt right then and there, He used Jesus in order to get us. God doesn't add unnecessary routes and obstacles which must mean Jesus had a purpose, Jesus had to be used in order for adoption. Without Jesus we couldn't have been adopted. With this all, it says it is according to the purpose of His will, this was meant to happen! No accident! 6. To the praise of His glorious grace, this plan of God for us was to be praised, it would be praised because He was displaying His grace. His love was being put into action because He blessed us and could keep on blessing us in Christ. Thank You Jesus! 7. We know what caused Him to do it, because He is loving and gracious but why did He do it? Did we really need that, especially if we didn't ask? God did this so that in Christ we have redemption through His blood, Christ shedding His blood meant my bondage to slavery..to sin was broken. He paid the price with His love and holiness; absolutely perfect, no blemishes whatsoever. We also receive forgiveness of our sins. God forgives us for everything willingly because His perfect Son already died for an imperfect people. God knows we will sin because we are natural born sinners but through Jesus, He sees us as clean and blameless. This forgiveness NEVER runs out, He is a God of abundance. 8-9. Through wisdom and insight God made all of this, which once was a mystery, known to us; again according to His purpose. Only friends, people who are close, trusted, and loved are told secrets and mysteries. God shared this, the gospel with us, welcoming us not just as some pitiful, worthless humans but as friends. Through and in Christ we are embraced by God with open arms. 10. God has no ending but when I interpret the fullness of time, I see that God gives us time, earthly to us, where He will unite all things in Him; to Him. Everything will eventually be brought together to Him for His glory. 
11. God is in us and we are in Him, what's His is ours, what's our is His. God has given us an inheritance. We are His children so we inherit from Him that gives, which yet again is according to His purpose was predestined. God has given us so much before our creation, before the mystery was known. God has so much to offer and give. I truly see He is a God of love. Only love could cause this. This love on earth is a generic brand of the love He is. I can't imagine what it would be like to fully grasp it. He couldn't possibly just like us or love us, He is in love with us. It is literally the "so in love" type of love that He would die for us to have us, to have a relationship with us, to share with us and so much more. He is not like these other gods, that rule and punish if you don't do right. He is a God, the only God, that wants to love you, hold you, kiss you, comfort you, take care of you...it all comes back to loving you. He doesn't want to be a heartless ruler. He wants authority over you to keep you safe, give you guidance and freedom, and to protect you from the evil one. And when you do wrong He doesn't stand there with a belt ready to tear you apart. He tells us to ask for forgiveness and that's exactly what He does, forgives. He is certainly a friendlier and loving God than any other one I've heard about. I love Him for that. Thank You God. 12. Once again praising His glory is brought up. Look what He has done for an undeserving people. He deserves the praise, us believing and hoping in Christ is the beginning of us showing praise to His glory. 13. When you hear the word of truth, gospel of your salvation, and believe in Him, God promises the Holy Spirit. Wait you mean another promise?! He just keeps on giving and blessing. There's no reason to not ever rejoice, to ever feel without. In Christ we have it all! 14. The Holy Spirit is witness of God's existence, of salvation, of God living within us. He is the guarantee of our inheritance until we have possession of it. The Holy Spirit is within us while we are not yet fully with God. He's a part of that heaven while on earth. With Him there is certainty God is going to return and our inheritance is to be received. What an amazing God!

Unintentional Religious Ways

So as a Christian we always talk about wanting go grow more and more in Christ. To be more like Him and for any heart problems we have to be fixed. Well I have seen where I went wrong in attempting these things...which is I'M attempting them. Without realizing I was trying to fix these things, unintentionally being religious. I was trying to reach God. I realized if I want these changes and to be closer to my God, I've got to let Him do it. Everyday I would try to walk in the fruits of the Spirit,say I'm going to read my bible and pray. Before I knew it I was in my flesh being mad it someone, night arrived and I hadn't prayed or read that bible yet. I've been listening to sermons and the one right now that is bringing revelation to my life is Mark Driscoll's series of Ephesians. All I can say is wow. Things I have been praying for, such as to not be bitter and angry, have been decreasing by the power and grace of God. I'm seeing God through my whole day, realizing much of what I had been praying for was already answered. I would pray for God to help me serve people, be humble, accept humility, and little by little God would grab my attention and show me at that moment how I was doing these things. One day I cleaned the whole house by myself while my family sat in the living room the whole time. I didn't ask for help or even complain, I wanted the house to be clean so I did it. The Lord showed me that at that moment I was serving because I was cleaning for my family. I was being humbled because I wasn't seeking a thank you or recognition. I was walking in humility because what female wants to clean up a bathroom after all her brothers? Honestly, I was doing a job that I really shouldn't have been doing by myself because I wasn't even apart of the majority that made the mess. My mom works 8-10 hour shifts 5 days a week. Without asking or saying thank you my mother assumes I'm going to babysit my siblings the whole day. I literally am a second mom when I'm home from school. I cook, clean, give baths, keep the peace, discipline, etc. and it's only by the grace of God that I do such a thing even though a lot of times I never receive anything in return. God is changing my heart so much but some of these trials He is using to accomplish this goal aren't easy at all. By studying the book of Ephesians I'm learning who my God is. Without knowing God we will not grow, trials will knock us, satan will set the bait and we will take it every time. I'm seeing all the wonderful things God is doing on my behalf and for His glory so I'm going to share this journey with everyone as I study Ephesians. I pray this will encourage you, increase your faith in God, and that revelation of knowledge of God will be brought to your life. In Jesus's name. Amen.

Follow up on stopping Phentermine use

Well I had made the decision to stop Phentermine and had a doctor appointment to discuss it all this past Friday. There weren't many alternatives and I didn't want anything that was going to cause side effects again. So I'm doing it the old fashioned way and taking B12. Since its a vitamin I won't have to worry about side effects or anything. I'm taking this to increase my energy and metabolism. So far I'm back to my normal self and feel just fine. The doctor said my lost inches is due to toning and that my weight may not get low if my body is mainly muscle. I'm fine with not having a low weight, I prefer a smaller size. The only issue is the food choice in the house but I'll survivie. I'm going to try working out more that way my exercise is over doing the eating and I will continue to lose weight rather than maintain which is what I'm doing now. Once back at school I will actually have the decision to eat junk or healthy; so if I stay at 168 the rest of the summer I'm content with that knowing I can pick back up in August. I'm still going to at least workout to keep my body in shape. Basically just doing all I can. Also I finally got myself prescribed medicine for the crazy heartburn I've been having for years!..I just thought I through that in there lol

Goodbye Phentermine!!

Today I decided to stop taking Phentermine. I just couldn't do it any longer. It didn't give me energy the last few weeks I was taking it, it made me sluggish, moody, sooooo irritable to where I felt like crying or cursing right when something I didn't like happened or couldn't figure something out, gave me headaches from low to extreme just about everyday, bad jitters that if I didn't eat in a reasonable time (about every 3 hours) that caused me to lose focus while trying to figure out what to eat! The worst part was the increased heart rate. It was frightening and would even happen while I was watching tv. This caused me to have real short breaths as if the oxygen wasn't getting in. My body just did not like this medication so I informed my doctor and she ok'ed it to stop. I have another appointment Friday to discuss where my journey goes from here...oh and bad heartburn! I've always had heartburn when I eat spicy food, which I love, but now I even get heartburn when I eat yogurt or take aleve for headaches! It's ridiculous what can happen over a month. I am glad the insomnia was fixed earlier but this product is just not worth it to help me in my weight loss. I'm not sure if it's meant for people with more body fat that can hold it better or maybe the fact that I don't consume much caffeine. Either way it goes I'm not taking that anymore. I got blood work done last Friday to make sure my body's chemicals aren't imbalanced because if so this can affect the body not allowing it to lose weight. So hopefully I can find my results and start of with a new plan. I'm not giving up, just taking a new route. I'm still 168 right now and loving it. I'm like die hard obsessed with the toning in my legs, I literally touch them all day..so smooth lol :)