No Words Can Explain..

   Right now my heart is burdened.. heavy. Just trying to write about it is going to send me into another crying spell. I said I would restart this blog I had no idea that this post would be the one to motivate me to write. Before you freak out no I'm not pregnant. However, I will admit a secret of mine..I'm engaged at the age of 20, still a year left of college and I have the fear of becoming pregnant while still in school once I'm married this May. Do I want kids? By all means, a whole bunch matter of fact. Do I want them soon? No. Not really. Well once I'm out of school I'm fair game to start a family. What I'm trying to say is that basically I'm a control freak. My social life, my freedom, my little amount of stress, my body, and everything else I can think of would be inconvenienced. I don't want to experience what I see the girls on campus going through, having to attend an 8am class while looking tired and ready to pop. They worry about if their pregnancy will interfere with mid-terms and finals. I don't want to be one of those girls. I want the freedom to lay around all day, surf the web and stores for baby stuff, and have way more money then I do now as a college student. My life would be inconvenienced. Selfish I know but little by little the Lord has been showing me how to trust Him in this area. He has spoken to me about it and I'm not 100% trustworthy yet but I'm getting there.
   My heart is not heavy because of my fears. My heart is heavy because my fear was just proven to be pointless. Less than an hour ago I watched a documentary called It's A Girl. It focuses on gendercide and interviews different women and families in India and China that have experienced this in some way either by killing or someone else killing their baby girl(s). I won't go in complete detail because I'd rather you experience this movie on your own (it's on Netflix) but it has changed my way of thinking and reflecting just a glimpse of how ignorant many Americans are to how truly blessed we are. I'm not saying my fears of pregnancy in school aren't valid. How I feel is how I feel but what I am saying is that what I fear is not nearly comparable to what these women fear. Mothers killing their own daughters because of a distorted way of thinking that a girl is a thief and burden to the financial well-being of her family is so much more than me having to sacrifice a body that feels well while going to class. Women who actually want their daughters being dragged out of their homes to go get a forced abortion regardless of how far she is in her pregnancy...I can't help but to weep. Here's the difference, if my life is "inconvenienced" I know for sure that if I have a baby girl she is mine. No one will take her from me no matter what and if someone does justice will be served. But in India and China women are stressed out from having to hide from the government and fight against a husband that wants an abortion. Regardless if she reports the situation there is a high chance it will not be investigated. By the grace of God I'm marrying a man that supports anything I do. I can't imagine living in such a place where abortion is forced. The pictures and clips I've just viewed are forever engraved in me head and they bring me to tears each time I think about it. Why did God choose to place me here in a place like America where I have so much freedom? Freedom to have as many kids as I want when I want. Here we are in America fighting whether or not abortion should be allowed. While abortion is not an option across seas but a decision already made for a child not yet conceived.
    Well bloggers I'm back.