First Weigh In! (6/22/12)

It's been a week since I've begun (correctly and properly) my journey to being a healthier me. I've worked out everyday for at least 30 minutes, ate correctly as far as eating healthy and when I did eat junk it was in correct portions. I've been enjoying this time around because I actually did workouts that were fun and ate foods that were good and didn't feel hungry, when I did feel hungry I ate. So I would have to say this week has been a great one besides that dumb medication. Since I haven't returned to work yet, which I've decided to give in and go back to Publix, I have mainly been in the house and that is always not fun. Anyhow last week I weighed at 175lbs, if not a bit more, and this morning when I got on the scale it read..drum roll please..170.8! I was shocked and it took a minute for it to sink in but once it did I was so happy. After my weigh-in I worked out and put so much effort into it thinking I was now 5lbs lighter. My mom is also doing this with me and she lost 4lbs! We were both extra bouncy today lol. For this coming up week all I want to do is say goodbye to the 170's. I've been stuck in this range for years and just assumed this is where my body wanted to be. But I'm determined to move pass them and never return. So regardless if it's a pound or five, I will be ecstatic and possibly cry. I haven't seen a 160 since the 8th grade. I'm motivated to keep going and push myself further than I ever have. I'm taking small steps with small goals that will add up to big goals. I would love to hear and connect with others who are doing this or have been through this to exchange ideas. Enjoy the ride!

Oooohhhh Phentermine How I Hate You

Ok so I discussed previously how the doctor prescribed me Phentermine (6/15/12) to aid me in my weight loss. It basically gives you energy to stay motivated and then curbs your appetite to deny the junk food and be able to concentrate on eating smaller and healthier. It has to be done with healthy eating and exercise in order to keep the weight off or either all the weight will be gained back once you discontinue the pill. Well the worse apart about it is the possible side effects.

                The first two days I took this I was perfectly fine but I noticed I was barely sleeping but no big deal I was fine. Sunday came and after church my mouth became really dry and I felt as though I had to gag. On the ride home I was nauseas and when I got home the smell of food, even my deodorant made me want to throw up. I kept drinking water and took tums and I was fine. The next few days were miserable. Insomnia kicked in, I literally was only sleeping about 4-5 hours and was still going through my days as if I was sleeping like normal. Internally I felt energized but I knew physically I was done. I didn’t feel energized at all, more sluggish and didn’t want to do anything. At times I had to force myself to eat and the feeling of wanting to throw up when looking at food was still continuing. I could be barely doing anything and out of nowhere my heart would begin to pound hard and fast, it was scary. I couldn’t take it anymore this was not worth it at all!

                I called the doctor on about the sixth day of taking this and she said that just about all patients were experiencing insomnia and other side effects as well. She informed me that I could take just half the pill or take one half in the morning and the other at noon. So right now I’m taking just one half in the morning and I feel back to normal. I sleep my regular 7-8 hours, eat, exercise and all without the headaches and hard/quick beating of the heart. I will try taking a half in the morning and the other in noon to see how I feel but if the side effects come back I will only do one half. I’ve heard great success stories about people taking this medication but in my opinion it is not worth the crazy side effects that come with it. I don’t drink coffee or anything so to take in a substance giving off tons of energy, my body couldn’t take it. I’m doing alright now and will have checkup with my doctor in July to see how my progress is. As of now I feel fine but if anything worse comes back I will discontinue the medication and do it the old fashion way.

Nineteen Years Later, Finally Celebrating Father's Day

As we all know Father’s Day just recently passed and this was my first year celebrating this holiday at the age of 19. My mother and father met in California and had my oldest brother then three years later I came along. By the time I turned two, my mom and father had already separated. My mother no longer wanted to be in a relationship with a balling drug dealer because what comes with that is the usual “cars, clothes, money, and you know the rest..” She experienced a few domestic troubles with my dad and just decided to leave regardless of the nice lifestyle she was giving up for not only herself but her children as well. So without any words exchanged with my dad she took me and my brother and we moved to Tennessee with my grandparents. From there I visited my dad once at age 6 and I’ve never seen him again. He would call once every 5 or 6 years, it was very random, make broken promises, and then the routine started over. So basically my relationship with my father wasn’t even rocky, it just wasn’t there. Growing up I liked when my family told me about him, and when my mom would make me angry or life was rough, I would always imagine would it be like if I were with him instead. I was his only daughter; I just knew it would be better than half the stuff I dealt with in Tennessee. But if that was the case he would’ve been in my life.

                I had father figures in my life, my grandpa and my uncle. They were probably the reason I never cared about the relationship with my father. But eventually it came to an end. My sophomore year of high school I lost my uncle to Pancreatic Cancer and the next year my grandpa died from the exact same cancer. Before those deaths I had never dealt with that before, I was crushed but without knowing it God got me through it all. Once they passed I started to think well who’s going to be my father figure now?, who’s going to make sure I make the right decisions, who’s going to walk me down the aisle on that special day?! I went on through life as if fathers didn’t exist; I was moving through life reaching for my goals and dreams, heck clearly I didn’t need one. But this Father’s Day, 2012, a change came from the pass 18 years.

                That morning I went to church and the pastor talked about the father figure God displays for his men to follow, towards his children to receive, and how to be a part of God’s family. Pastor asked the church different memories they had with their fathers; of course I didn’t speak on that. He made one comment that stuck with me the whole day, “The first date a daughter goes on is with her father.” I thought about how I never knew what that felt like, what that meant, and how important that was for a girl. All I knew was my first date was with my first boyfriend on the same day my family laid my grandpa to rest, I horribly tried to make out for the first time, and because of all the crying earlier that gave me a headache at the funeral I fell asleep on my date at the movies. That was nothing near what the pastor was talking about (I actually laugh at it every time I think about it lol). Back to the story now..well that night I experienced the most powerful, tearful, emotional Father’s Day. Now before you get all excited and rejoice over me spending time with my father and this new chapter to begin, it wasn’t my biological father.

                At about 9pm I went and locked myself in my brother’s room to do my devotional and prayer time peacefully and from there absolute bliss happened. I began to pray for people, myself, circumstances, etc. and usually I write in my journal to talk to God, but this time I just said it out loud. God showed up, touched my heart, and within a second I was overwhelmed and crying. A few tears had sadness to them about what not having a father did to me emotionally that I didn’t know was there. But the majority of the tears were of joy. God let me know He was my father, didn’t matter if I had an earthly one, He was going to be here forever and everything I missed out on He had already filled and would show it all to me the closer I grew in Him. Since being saved, I’ve known what God has done for me but never really grasped to what extent and how powerful His love is for me. I began to think of all the times God had kept me, was there for me, and I didn’t even know it. When I tried to commit suicide, indulged in sexual sin, was torn from loved ones, God kept me. When I should’ve broken, turned to drugs to forget the bad, sold myself to men or pornography to fill what was missing..all these things that could’ve happened but didn’t because God kept me. During this time I was given a very vivid, detailed scene of what happened on the cross, I just cried more and more. I was so overwhelmed but overjoyed that I was loved to the point of blood shed so save my soul. I began to smile more and more as I talked to God about how when it came time to create His daughter Jasmine with His own hands through His very own perfect image, He did it with accuracy and precision. He knows that my favorite color is purple, that I can’t stand when people smack while eating, what makes me laugh, my favorite food is potatoes, that  some days I don’t feel pretty, He knows everything about me, things even some of the best earthly fathers don’t know about their children. God knows it all and is appreciative of it all; all of it will point me to Him. I just thanked Him over and over that all these years I went without a father, I was a priority to Him. He was going to teach me everything I needed to know, let me know when He approved the right guy, advise me on decisions, comfort, protect, provide and so much more for me. I don’t ever have to worry about Him leaving my side.

  The best part is that my favorite chapter in the Bible is Romans 8 and when I turned to see the readings for the day in my devotional, there it was “read Romans 8.” I smiled thinking how I just said all these things about Him knowing everything, and then He leads me to my favorite chapter to show me that it’s all true. That night some major growth happened, my heart became softer, our relationship deepened and even the next day I was still emotional about it. Maybe one day God will reconcile me and my earthly father but I’m not rushing it. I’ve found my true identity, I belong to someone, I have more than a father. I have a Dad.

Making a Change

“You are prehypertension and if you continue to gain weight or an unhealthy lifestyle you are at the risk of diabetes.” June 14, 2012 was my first time ever going to a doctor to see about my weight. Of course I’ve always known I was overweight..well that’s sugarcoating it a bit..more like obese.  But I’ve never really known from a professional’s perspective where my health was, so after years of living in the unknown I decided to go get checked out.

[How this all started..The Past] As far as I can remember I’ve always been a big girl, usually the one bigger than the majority of my friends. I have a very big family, single mother household, so we were just getting by and what could be afforded was what we ate, healthy or not. The food selection growing up was poor and no one in my house cared about being healthy. Life moved on and the noodles and hot dogs came also, with lots of pounds. My first time I tried to lose weight I was in the 8^th grade, weighing in at 160lbs and that following summer I began eating less, healthier, and started working out. I purchased “The Diet for Teenage Girls Only,” which I still use today, which I lost weight with but eventually gained it all back and plus some. Through high school I would always start up working out by using the book I bought, fitness magazines I got in the mail, buying workout tapes, etc. I would always lose some but eventually get tired of it and quit. I figured if I love myself then why waste my time? Losing weight became a pattern when I felt insecure, then when it got tough after a few weeks, becoming unmotivated, no support, I dropped it. 

My senior year in high school is when things switched up some. I was at peak weight, 188lbs, that December I signed up for a gym membership and worked with a trainer and a diet plan. It really was something different and I just knew this was the last time I was going to deal with being obese..not quite. I was working so the majority of my checks went to healthy food. I began doing slim fast, drinking it for breakfast, then lunch at school with veggies and fruit. Boy was that the hardest damn thing of my life, sitting there trying to eat raw food while everyone else ate cheesy fries, pizza, and wings but I didn’t give up. I also began using some tools from weight watchers to help me portion food and not over eat, this was helpful but I got tired of looking up food. Through this whole process I lost 14lbs. Many people noticed but because we are the worst critics of ourselves, I didn’t. Once senior year ended I gave up again and promised myself I would get back started in college. I did start back up, worked with another trainer, but it just didn’t last. I eventually gave up because it seemed like getting pass 174lbs was impossible. I was stuck there for the longest and that’s where I am now. I’ve tried every excuse as to why this number won’t change..everyone isn’t meant to be small, my metabolism is slow, my body type is preventing me to lose more weight, I can’t help it..blah blah blah. Now I know some things we can’t help with our bodies but there isn’t an excuse why we can’t be healthy.

[The Present] So now where am I now? Like I mentioned earlier I did at least keep the 14lbs I lost off, which I am proud of and gives me hope to know that I can continue but it isn’t enough.  I’m currently 174lbs at 5’3, and a BMI of 31.8..yikes!, which is obese for my height and high blood pressure and such already runs in my family, I do not want to die because of lack of a healthy lifestyle. My doctor visit really opened my eyes to what I need to be doing. Considering the fact that I’m obese and for years have been trying to lose weight but always get stuck my doctor also put me on a prescription called Phentermine. At first I thought this lady was trying to put me on that crap where it does all the work but she explained it to me and I went home and did my research, before taking it, just to make sure it was legit. This drug is basically for obese people that may have issues losing weight. It will boost the energy in the body and suppress the appetite to stop the overeating and cravings that obese people usually struggle with even when they are eating correctly and exercising. It’s only used for a short time and as of now I’m on it for a month and it must be used with healthy eating and exercising because it’s not for temporary weight loss. From all my research it really does work and assisted people in real life changes for living a healthy lifestyle and they kept all the weight off after stopping the medication. Depending on how heavy the weight is some people lost a lot of weight in a short amount of time. I’m ok with that BUT I want to be able to really learn to make eating right and exercising a part of my everyday life. I just started taking this medication and haven’t had any crazy side effects so as of now that’s something added to my prayer list while taking it.

The biggest thing I’m learning is patience. I’m the type that starts off really hard, while most girls are doing cardio, I’m lifting weights and getting headaches. I’ve realized that I’ve got to start from scratch and let this really be life changing not temporary.  I’m going to start off slow, actually learn, and change. I’m learning that this does not have to be a stressful, starving, or a discouraging thing. It really can be fun, the eating and exercising. If the journey feels like a burden then why wouldn’t it get dropped? Quick results might sound nice but burnout comes before that even happens , and guess what? You have already quit by then so it’s important to make sure this is a fun experience. We will always have our lazy and low days but as a whole this can be a new addition and good habit for a long life. I’ve dropped the running and hard workouts and I’m now doing brisk walking and Richard Simmons tapes, which will have you laughing the whole time but you’re still working out! As far as eating, I’ve always loved the healthy foods more so that part is easy but I’m remembering that it’s still ok to eat the junk just correct portions.  Also I keep a food journal to see what my eating looks like because I know I am a mindless eater but a food journal trains to be aware of what’s going into the body. This so far is what works for me. I’m no longer messing with those diets..that’s from the devil lol.

 I’m learning to love me. I don’t just flat out hate myself but like most girls I have those handful of things I don’t like about myself. I’m focusing on God to help me get through those problems during this journey. I’m also speaking up about what I’m doing and where I’m trying to go with this. I’ve never had support and when I thought about it, I’ve never asked. So I asked my mom to be a part of my support system and she is down to roll *tear.* I’m excited this time about this journey and this time for sure I will not give up. The pattern has been broken.

[The Future..where do I see myself?] My goal is to lose about 30-35lbs. I think 140lbs or 145lbs would be realistic and healthy for my weight and height. I do not want to be a skinny minny. I do love having the fullness and curves of woman. If I lose that I will be highly upset. I just want to feel comfortable in my own skin, like the way my clothes fit, and most of all be healthy. I want to be able to not hold back on things I enjoy just because of my size. My goal is to take care of, love, and appreciate this temple God has blessed me with; it’s the least I could do to show my thanksgiving to Him.

Introduction

Ayyye Doe! I’m Jasmine. Born in Fontana, California (don’t know where that is) and raised in Nashville, Tennessee. I’m a child of G-O-D as of January 23, 2012! I absolutely love to write, it’s the number one way I find peace, even when talking to my Father, I write. So I decided to try blogging..this is going to be very casual and laid back writing btw. We’ve all got many paths that add up to one journey of life and I’ve decided to share mine. Expect ups and downs of my path to being healthy and fit, my growth in Christ, and whatever else comes to mind. ;) P.S. I don’t use internet much but still write using Word, so if one day you see 5 blogs posted in one day it’s not because I just like rambling or bored..maybe.